Medical Pillows

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'He's resting comfortably.'

Hipness Replacement Surgery.

"We managed to resuscitate him, but he's still very critical."

'Now why did I come in here?'

When he got the wrong medication, no one would own up to it. They were real good at covering their own butts.

Cause of death: Just one of those things.

"Bit of a bummer really, you've got a nut allergy"

'I'm having my colon checked.'

"The brain tumor's incurable, but let me give you something for that dandruff."

'Well, we finally figured out what the problem is...your warranty expired.'

'I think sugar substitutes are fattening. Have you noticed that people who use them are usually overweight?'

'We're very worried about your hormone levels.'

'You say the pains in my left leg are caused by old age. But doctor my right leg is just as old and it doesn't hurt at all!'

"Fluffy will be giving you rour CAT scan."

Man sees dollar sign on belly: 'Nice stitches, Doc.'

Abdominal surgeon using a tire puncture repair kit.

'We may have to adjust the gastric band a little.'

"...and the good news is Mr Watkins, your keyhole surgery was a complete success"

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

'Get back...there's a thermometer in that filing cabinet that could leap out, smash on the floor and give someone a mild headache.'

"The last thing I remember is hearing the doctor say oops!"

'I don't need informed consent to take your temperature.'

'We see a lot of carpal tunnel syndrome caused by repetitious pushing of the tv mute button during the political ad season.'

'Give Mr. Fogarty his testosterone injection, Nurse, and then run like the dickens!'

"Why do you always get to wear the good mask?"

"You can have a local anesthetic or imported."

'You're going to have to give up painting ceilings, Michelangelo !'

'If an M.R.I. is too expensive, we can try the copy machine.'

'You need an ectomy. Hop up here and we'll see what kind.'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

'Should we abstain from sex?'

Worst-case scenario.....Best-case scenario...

"No offense, but I'd really prefer to be seen by a dog. I'm sure you understand."

'I'm totally spacing out on the name of the drug you need. Just tell the pharmacist your foot hurts.'