Performance Gifts

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

"This next song is for all the music teachers who said I'd never make it."

Your performance evaulations and sales figures are exceptional, but the company's a little bit concerned by your cholesterol numbers.

'Simms is causing some real morale problems with the sales staff.'

Are we still talking about ME?

'Uh-oh, here comes the mike again. Cut the barbershop quartet and go back to mournful whistling.'

Woman rating a man's performance with scorecards.

'And don't get any funny ideas.'

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

Man's contortions hurt his back.

Air Sitar.

Magician out of work - Nothing up my sleeve, please help.

"OK, now I want everybody to put their hands together and make something with tools!"

'Freedom is nice, but I miss the Circus for the applause and the three square meals a day...'

'Damn! McGee's good!'

'I like your style - How would you like to do some public service announcements?'

Funding Cuts for the Arts

"What riles me is that he got a genius grant and I didn't."

"Of course we should have women boxers in Britain...I mean, where else can they do panto?!"

"This is the part I hate most - he's got terrible bad breath!"

Encyclopedic Novel Slam.

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Pre-minstrel Tension.

Marcel Marceau's parrot

'That's called the 'Mask of Tragedy.' Otherwise known as the last person whose cell phone rang during the opera!'

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

'I don't know. It's too busy.'

"Instead of a three-hour play with 20 performers, what about a single performer, alone onstage, telling jokes for 30 minutes?"

Orchestra conductor

'I used to be afraid of public speaking, but since I realised everyone falls asleep after 15 minutes...'

I didn't dress this way to go unnoticed

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'Well done Flipper, you seem to be balancing your workload well.'

"With your voice and my marketing skills, we'll sell records by the million!"

Welcome to the lower grade concert. We will premiere an avant garde song cycle with unexpected solos, parts of melodies that may seem vaguely familiar and musicians who leave the stage for no apparent reason. Enjoy!