Moving Day Humorist Pillows

New house smell.

A man washing a mascot costume

Emergency Hipster Beard

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Monday: Next 7 exits.

Peter

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

God bless our home equity line of credit.

'The little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home and shopped online...'

'One carry-on!'

Gangsta wrap.

Once Again Jeff Had Put Too Much Helium In The Party Balloons.

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

"No, dear, the baby didn't take a selfie. It's an ultrasound."

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

Big Birthday Boy Breakfast.

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

"Lemonade App: $1"

Happy Birthday!

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"It's my birthday. How about a free drink?"

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"

'He used to be my tiger, now he's nothing more than a skunk, a boar and a lying toad.'

Rocket charmer.

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."