Moving Day Humorist Gifts

New house smell.

A man washing a mascot costume

Emergency Hipster Beard

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

Monday: Next 7 exits.

Peter

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

God bless our home equity line of credit.

'The little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home and shopped online...'

'One carry-on!'

Gangsta wrap.

Once Again Jeff Had Put Too Much Helium In The Party Balloons.

"No, dear, the baby didn't take a selfie. It's an ultrasound."

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

Hipster Police Department

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

"This birthday qualified him to be tapped as a fossil fuel reserve."

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

Big Birthday Boy Breakfast.

"It's like every year my fear gets a little worse."

'I wish I could look just like Elvis.'

"Lemonade App: $1"

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

Happy Birthday!

"It's my birthday. How about a free drink?"

"How am I going to put in a new tape?"

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

'He used to be my tiger, now he's nothing more than a skunk, a boar and a lying toad.'

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

Rocket charmer.

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"