Mortuary Science Buff Gifts

'Please excuse the mess guys.My husband's doing a correspondence course in Embalming.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'No days off, no paid overtime, no benefits...this job is killing me!'

"According to stomach content analysis he'll be dead in half an hour."

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

'The autopsy revealed he was indeed a yellow-bellied, lily-livered varmint!'

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

DO IT YOURSELF - Four new jobs we'll all have to do ourselves

'Can't talk now, I'm just going into a tunnel.'

"Now that we're married you'll be cooking and cleaning and ironing and guess who'll be dressing me and combing my hair?" "The mortician."

'Finally. Her lipstick is just right.'

"I just love take-out."

"Blueberry muffins. My wife made them."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

Viking Funeral

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

"Well he was there a minute ago!"

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

"I think it's important to remember that he isn't gone forever. He's still alive. He just played a character on TV who died."

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

“Sorry, we don’t accept the living dead.”

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

Fisherman Funneral

"You said to hire a face painter and I did! Bill is a mortician!"

Bored at the City Morgue.

Bugs hold a candle-light vigil for fallen comrade while the old man responsible for his death is unrepentant.

'Uh-oh... that sounds ominous.' - *Knock* *Knock* - 'Am I going to die?!' - 'I don't think so.' - 'Then why are you here?' - 'Your life insurance is due for renewal.'