Mortuary Science Buff T-Shirts

'Please excuse the mess guys.My husband's doing a correspondence course in Embalming.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'No days off, no paid overtime, no benefits...this job is killing me!'

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"According to stomach content analysis he'll be dead in half an hour."

'The autopsy revealed he was indeed a yellow-bellied, lily-livered varmint!'

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

'Can't talk now, I'm just going into a tunnel.'

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

DO IT YOURSELF - Four new jobs we'll all have to do ourselves

'Finally. Her lipstick is just right.'

Viking Funeral

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

"I just love take-out."

"Now that we're married you'll be cooking and cleaning and ironing and guess who'll be dressing me and combing my hair?" "The mortician."

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

"Blueberry muffins. My wife made them."

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

"Well he was there a minute ago!"

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

Fisherman Funneral

No caption. (Mimes carry an invisible casket from a hearse).

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

“Sorry, we don’t accept the living dead.”

"You said to hire a face painter and I did! Bill is a mortician!"

'No! No! No! I don't want to die. . . Then why are you carrying that enormous scythe?'

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

"I think it's important to remember that he isn't gone forever. He's still alive. He just played a character on TV who died."

Bored at the City Morgue.

Bugs hold a candle-light vigil for fallen comrade while the old man responsible for his death is unrepentant.

'Uh-oh... that sounds ominous.' - *Knock* *Knock* - 'Am I going to die?!' - 'I don't think so.' - 'Then why are you here?' - 'Your life insurance is due for renewal.'