Mortuary Explorer Gifts

"Would you like to speak to our sorrow sharer?"

"I just found a unicorn! Apparently, they just want to be left alone."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"Wait, am I hear for you or are you here for me?"

Monuments

'Tommy is in the other room playing with the triangle we bought him in Bermuda.'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Do years 4, 5 and 6 cover the other foot?'

'Look! There's a Zyzzkzkk!'

'Hey, what am I, chopped liver?'

Ventriloquist Grave

Midlife: You Are Here.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

'You're experienced with blood stains I trust?' (Smarthy ACME Carpet Cleaners)

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

Pranking Zombies

The last word.

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

Master Artists' Computer Graphics: da Vinci's 'The Robot Body.'

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

Clinical Trails. . . Prevention . . . Detection. . . Diagnosis. . . Treatment.

"Spirit! Are you a chatbot?"

"One day son, all this will be going with me."

'Wasn't there three of you guys when we started?'

'Dad, what were you like when you weren't a kid?'

Myths and Other Urban Legends

I'm 40! Oh. Well happy birthday. A lot of people wouldn't be happy about turning 40. But I'm thrilled! I've been looking forward to my midlife crisis for a long time. I've got it all planned. First I'm going to buy a sports car. Then I'm going to leave my family for someone half my age who really GETS me. Then we're going to embark on a road trip filled with booze, shoplifting and debauchery. Anyway, what's your most dangerous drink? I want something that says "I'm letting the tiger in me out to

"Scientists believe the mysterious asteroid, known as 'Oumaumau', may be a space probe, a discarded solar sail or a huge alien turd."

'You may choose either everlasting life or whatever is behind the curtain.'

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

"It's soon to be listed in the National Register of Historic Military Holes in the Ground."

'Tut, you've outdone yourself this time.'