Moral Investor Gifts

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

'Greed, wrath, envy and pride closed higher today, while lust, sloth and gluttony showed losses.'

Investments: New - Starred Items In Your Portfolio Mean 'Suitable For Vegans'.

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

Saving for College.

"I feel I'm doing fine. My sense of net worth is way up this quarter."

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'

"Stocks edged lower on the news there's more to life than the accumulation of material things..."

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

A wiser and a better man

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

Ethics (with an eye on the bottom line) committee.

IOC and human rights.

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

"And you call yourself a socially-responsible investment portfolio!"

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

'Do you mind if I take the rest of my session to get your input on investor psychology?'

'But on the plus side, I felt better about owning a SUV as soon as I bought some oil stocks.'

To err is human, but to have your stocks recover from a plummet is divine.

'Excellent idea, Primrose...but will the public buy it?'

Elevator buttons read: Way Up/up/Down/Way Down.

The tortoise and hare

Moral Fruit and Fiber Cereal

'To avoid any conflict, I've put my ethics in a blind trust.'

"If you don't bury 10% of your bones, you'll have nothing when you retire."

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

Unchanged … and yet completely changed. Tao Jones Indexes.