Conscience Investor Gifts

'But on the plus side, I felt better about owning a SUV as soon as I bought some oil stocks.'

Squirrel putting nuts in a safe box.

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

Saving for College.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

"I feel I'm doing fine. My sense of net worth is way up this quarter."

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'

"Stocks edged lower on the news there's more to life than the accumulation of material things..."

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

IOC and human rights.

Climate Crisis and the Banks

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

Financial Prudence disappears.

"And you call yourself a socially-responsible investment portfolio!"

'Investors Chronicle' "How do I know whether to buy it or not?"

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

'Do you mind if I take the rest of my session to get your input on investor psychology?'

'The diagnostic computer says it's in your financial best interest to invest in the companies whose drugs you take.'

Elevator buttons read: Way Up/up/Down/Way Down.

'Excellent idea, Primrose...but will the public buy it?'

'To avoid any conflict, I've put my ethics in a blind trust.'

"If you don't bury 10% of your bones, you'll have nothing when you retire."

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

Unchanged … and yet completely changed. Tao Jones Indexes.

'Getting a big bonus to risk other people's money makes me wonder if I am part of a conspiracy.'

'Mr Hines, invest in two 'feel good' stocks, and call me in the morning.'

"Your 401(k) is a low-risk investment, other than a few stocks that happen to finance the end of human civilization as we know it."

'I'm doing my bit got the planet by investing in biofuels. . . Mind you, the fact that they'll have to strip-mine South America for crop space may well put a few noses out of joint.'