Socially Conscious Investor Gifts

Investments: 'We now offer 'social conscience' funds and 'corporate ethics' funds'.

"And you call yourself a socially-responsible investment portfolio!"

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

"I feel I'm doing fine. My sense of net worth is way up this quarter."

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'

"Stocks edged lower on the news there's more to life than the accumulation of material things..."

A wiser and a better man

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

IOC and human rights.

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

Climate Crisis and the Banks

'Do you mind if I take the rest of my session to get your input on investor psychology?'

'The diagnostic computer says it's in your financial best interest to invest in the companies whose drugs you take.'

'But on the plus side, I felt better about owning a SUV as soon as I bought some oil stocks.'

'Excellent idea, Primrose...but will the public buy it?'

Statue of Christopher Columbus

'To avoid any conflict, I've put my ethics in a blind trust.'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

'They're the angel of social conscience funds and his evil twin, greedy devil.'

'I'm doing my bit got the planet by investing in biofuels. . . Mind you, the fact that they'll have to strip-mine South America for crop space may well put a few noses out of joint.'

'Getting a big bonus to risk other people's money makes me wonder if I am part of a conspiracy.'

'Mr Hines, invest in two 'feel good' stocks, and call me in the morning.'

The NHS - 'I'm afraid years of neglect and abuse have left her in terminal decline.'

"Your 401(k) is a low-risk investment, other than a few stocks that happen to finance the end of human civilization as we know it."

Investments: We have socially correct stocks, but 'wrong' usually pays better.

'And their financial E.K.G. shows that they are in excellent health.'

"It seems to me it's a little unethical to recommend only ethical companies."

'It's not a spitoon. It's for scruples.'

'I can still remember the days when you had a social conscience'.

'The top graph shows the patient's progress. The bottom one's the drug company's share price.'

'Our social conscience fund invests in companies that don't do animal testing.'