Monster Negotiator Gifts

"Look, Cucuy, I'm not scared of you anymore."

'Even though you're the client, it's my duty to tell you you're wrong. . . Ok then. Speak slowly so I can write down your every whim.'

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

"I'v got this center-of-the-universe gig."

'If I eat three more pieces of meat and three more spoonfuls of peas, I want three puddings after!'

Boss, I've got a new idea. And it will totally empower on-demand collaboration and idea-sharing. Not again. It'll synergistically maintain error-free catalysts for change, while progressively meshing stand-alone methods of reconceptualization. Look, I've already told you. You're not getting a raise, not matter how much business jargon you use. But an extra $2 an hour would dramatically generate error-free opportunities for a tax deduction. No means no.

'Once they noticed your tail wagging, they stopped upping their offer.'

If you pony is difficult to catch...take a good supply of lump sugar with you...and eat as much of it as you can.

". . .Release the Grunwalds now! Do not make us resort to force!"

"Keep your shirt on. I'll read your book as soon as I'm done reading the monster his book."

"Ambitions . . . never, ever to eat broccoli again."

"All night I dreamed I was at work. Do I get overtime for that?"

'Damn it, he's lawyered up! By the time this works its way through the courts he'll be out of season!'

"Remember: Say what you mean, but don't mean what you say."

A Young Girl And Her Pet Cat.

'Listen, I obeyed more or less 25% of your commandments. Don't you think that I deserve a promotion or at least a little raise for that?'

"Dad, I want another dog for my birthday." "NO." "OK. I want a stripper girlfriend for my birthday." "What kind of dog do you want."

"There, are you happy?"

'Management says we've had it too good for too long. They're demanding concessions.'

'I assume this comes with performance based bonuses and a superannuation package?'

"You always said I could be what ever I want to be. I want to be someone who doesn't eat vegetables."

'It's a deal. You buy my insurance and I'll buy your knitted booties.'

"A spot near the almighty!"

'Forget his mother. He wants to talk to an agent about selling his story!'

'...He says he won't negotiate until we send in pizza and beer.'

'It's his bath night, but he also wanted to watch tv.'

"We always lose these staring contests. Their top negotiator has no eyelids!"

'Let's be realistic, Dad. How can I compete in the global economy without a raise in my allowance?'

'I'm going for a plea bargain. Right now, I'm accused of being a lazy slug. But if I plead guilty, I might get it reduced to the lesser charge of malingering.'

"...And management said it was their final offer and if I didn't like it, I could go to hell! So, here I am!"

'I see you gave in to your secretary's request for a salary increase!'

"I thought you said it was an armed siege Hoskins!!"

"I'm sure those scary monsters under your bed heard some scary things too."

Union Rep

'As long as you're looking, let me know when the sign is right for getting paid.'