Mom Guilt Avoider Gifts

"It's someone from your past who gave birth to you, and raised you, and sacrificed everything so you could have whatever you wanted."

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

Chocs away.

The Birth of a Lawsuit

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

'I always shop here. They don't sell low fat ice cream so the guilt is gone.'

Meat Department

"Alert security, the buck has failed to stop here and is loose in the building."

"Year, pets do teach kids about responsibility. When they won't get off their butts, they know I'll be responsible."

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

"I switched hobbies from tropical fish to gardening. I won't feel so bad if I kill a plant."

'I don't like to waste time. How long on average does it take a recruit to make general?'

We get so much produce from our farm share, I can't decide what to cook. Use everything! How about a stew with squash, peppers and corn in a zesty tomato base? Would your kids even put it on their plates? Of course! As long as it didn't touch the mac 'n' cheese.

My Gay Son Never Calls

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

"You're not being punished, Kenny...Salad is what we're having for dinner."

Baby Teething.

'Wait a minute -- you did all this stuff in a VIDEO GAME?'

"I don't like all the responsibility that comes with my new pompousness."

"I like subtitles. I can watch the movie, skip the book, and not feel guilty."

Other Walks of Shame

"Instead of ordering something every day, I ordered it all at one time. I feel less guilty that way."

"You know very well what subscription forms."

'Remember...first one to drop takes the rap.'

"My son refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?"

'Dammit, Tell! Practice on your own kid!'

'No, no! Don't make my food touch! I'll talk! I'll talk!'

"Fascinating. The rats choose chocolate nine times out of ten, but they always feel guilty about it later."

"My kids won't eat their crusties either."

"There better not be anything in there about the lust of food."

"Look at me. Still writing B.C. on my checks."

"I say it's broccoli, and I say, "Fuck It"."

"I've been called for jury duty. How can I get out of it?"

'Of course I'm upset! -- All 479 of them forgot Mother's Day!'