Mom Guilt Avoider Pillows

"It's someone from your past who gave birth to you, and raised you, and sacrificed everything so you could have whatever you wanted."

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

Chocs away.

The Birth of a Lawsuit

'I always shop here. They don't sell low fat ice cream so the guilt is gone.'

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

"Alert security, the buck has failed to stop here and is loose in the building."

My Gay Son Never Calls

'I don't like to waste time. How long on average does it take a recruit to make general?'

"I switched hobbies from tropical fish to gardening. I won't feel so bad if I kill a plant."

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

"Year, pets do teach kids about responsibility. When they won't get off their butts, they know I'll be responsible."

"You're not being punished, Kenny...Salad is what we're having for dinner."

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

'Wait a minute -- you did all this stuff in a VIDEO GAME?'

Baby Teething.

"I don't like all the responsibility that comes with my new pompousness."

"I like subtitles. I can watch the movie, skip the book, and not feel guilty."

Other Walks of Shame

'Remember...first one to drop takes the rap.'

"Instead of ordering something every day, I ordered it all at one time. I feel less guilty that way."

"My son refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?"

"You know very well what subscription forms."

'Dammit, Tell! Practice on your own kid!'

"Fascinating. The rats choose chocolate nine times out of ten, but they always feel guilty about it later."

"There better not be anything in there about the lust of food."

"Look at me. Still writing B.C. on my checks."

"I say it's broccoli, and I say, "Fuck It"."

"I've been called for jury duty. How can I get out of it?"

"My kids won't eat their crusties either."

'Of course I'm upset! -- All 479 of them forgot Mother's Day!'

Gold, Silver and Bronze for pessimists.