Modern Parenthood Enthusiast Pillows

"I need something sturdy enough to withstand the scrutiny of other parents."

"I don't know where babies come from, son, ask your google."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

"He just said his first word!"

Growth Charts

Amazon Drones Delivering Babies

A child sitting on a swing - while playing with a hand-held electronic device or phone

"Oh, Frank, look! He's sending his first tweet!"

"Never mind Benjamin – he just lawyers-up to get attention."

"I couldn't find the phone charger, but I was able to locate all the mouses the kids lost over the years."

'Those are my triplets. Com, Net and Org Barnes.'

Kid is 'Born to Text'.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Crying baby

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"With the baby-cam, there is no privacy."

Early childhood development

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"I brought frankincense." "I brought gold." "I brought diapers!" "A wise woman!"

You're right-this is way better than a standing desk.

"Now, Mrs. Stevens, go to work, relax, and leave the social engineering to us."

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."