Parenthood Enthusiast Pillows

'Look, I think she recognised you!'

Speeding pram with mum hanging on.

Fill 'er up!

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

Maternity Arrivals

The Wooden Spoon Company

'They can be so modest at this age.'

'There are serious disadvantages to having children...they grow up!'

"How long after the birth can I make love to my wife?"

"Yes madam, I'm sure you do think that you have the most beautiful baby in the world."

"Mom, when will I be old enough to put money in the swear jar?"

"Remember when I was a little kid and cried when I had to go to the dentist?"

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Now that I can talk, here's my speaking fee."

Suffering from Cooties?

"Aah! Bless! Look at him on his I-pad!"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

Baby Screen Time

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'