Modern Mystic Gifts

"Oh, we used to use a crystal ball, but hacking into your credit files is much more informative!"

'This takes the guesswork out of choosing the site for our new headquarters.'

"I'll be answering that question and many more in next week's webinar."

'I can't do next Friday'

'I haven't used a crystal ball in years.'

'I finally discovered the secret of the Universe, and I forgot to bookmark it!'

Broadband is Near

God's Phone

"We no longer use Astrology or crystal balls. We now use algorithms to predict the future."

"Don't be so chintzy with the life line!"

'Until this year, I couldn't find the meaning of life...but then I switched search engines.'

Virtual reality guru.

'Do you know how much it would COST to get wi-fi out here?'

Yogi back in 5.

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

'I only do biometric readings now.'

'I think you're overdoing the yoga classes.'

"The algorithms that control your future say things are looking good. . ."

"Have you tried turning off your conscious mind and then turning it back on again?"

"You will never catch up with the new technology."

"Oh hell - I'm getting a seance."

God's Phone

'I think 'The Cloud' knows more thank you think.'

"Welcome to the wise man on the mountain. My advice is now automated so listen carefully for your menu options. To continue in English press 1 now. For the meaning of life press 2 now..."

'Your life lacks meaning I entered 'raison d'etre' on the computer and here are a few ideas...'

Internet Search- Find God

'No, no, he's not dancing for rain - he's dancing for a new weather-forecasting super-computer.'

All-knowing mountain guru consults the internet.

Astronaut dowsing on new planet.

"Try distance healing if you like, but it's a bit of a long shot"

"I am referring you to some alternative medicine..."

'It's okay, John. Everyone's entire life fits on a microchip.'

"I can't afford to lose my phone. I've assigned it talismanic properties."

"You don't have any time? Try fitting Taoist sex into your schedule."

"I am going to SoHo. My doshas are all out of balance. Well, my kapha is hunky-dory but my pitta and vata are out of whack. Today the practitioner is going to get rid of all the stress with geranium, ylang-ylang, bergamot, and patchouli, and, of course, a little time in the steam tent."