Modern Foodie Gifts

"I told the cook I would prefer that she use some kind of artificial blackbird substitute."

"Not unless they're gluten-free bread crumbs."

Gracious, child...bubbling cauldrons of potions are old hat. I get mine over the internet, delivered frozen and ready for the microwave!

'They wanted to compliment you on the porridge.'

Prosecco Drinker

Papi's idea of a good father vs. Baldo's idea of a good father: dinner plans.

'I sent out for everything.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Every barbecue has its winners and losers.

"You do like octopus?"

Ice Cream Surgeon

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

I was holding out okay, until he made it into crumb cake.

"Even the waiters here are organic."

What the Doctor Ordered

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

I'm looking for a man who can meet my needs - Cream meringue master-chef.

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

La Table

Soup of the month.

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

Fast food. Even faster food

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

"To paraprase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure with out pain au chocolat."

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'

"Rump roast?"

'He made an excellent jelly.'