Modern Foodie Pillows

"I told the cook I would prefer that she use some kind of artificial blackbird substitute."

"Not unless they're gluten-free bread crumbs."

Gracious, child...bubbling cauldrons of potions are old hat. I get mine over the internet, delivered frozen and ready for the microwave!

'They wanted to compliment you on the porridge.'

Prosecco Drinker

Papi's idea of a good father vs. Baldo's idea of a good father: dinner plans.

'I sent out for everything.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Every barbecue has its winners and losers.

"Even the waiters here are organic."

Ice Cream Surgeon

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"You do like octopus?"

I'm looking for a man who can meet my needs - Cream meringue master-chef.

What the Doctor Ordered

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

Soup of the month.

Fast food. Even faster food

La Table

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

"To paraprase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure with out pain au chocolat."

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

"The space aliens who abducted me wanted to know what it was like to be loved...I wasted no time."

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

"Rump roast?"

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'