Modern Family Life Observer Pillows

'I posted a bedtime story on your homepage. Enjoy and good night!'

"I got a dog as a replacement child."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"It's his emotional support animal."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"I couldn't find the phone charger, but I was able to locate all the mouses the kids lost over the years."

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

I think it's time he left home.'

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

"If it slows down, just ask my father about the murder he always swears he did not commit."

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"He was much more effective in the field."

"I need a more interactive you."

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

Look,that is not your Daddy

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

"Really, Mr. Stevens, this fantasy of being turned into a giant frog is absurd. We both know there's no such thing as a curse, and you can't seriously believe your mother-in-law is actually a witch. . ."

"Just wait until my autobiographical one-woman show."

His real name is Jasper Underwood Farthington III...but we just call him 'Stinky'.

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'