Modern Family Life Observer Pillows

'I posted a bedtime story on your homepage. Enjoy and good night!'

"I got a dog as a replacement child."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"It's his emotional support animal."

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

What are we doing today? Installing raised beds. Then we'll plant them for a couple who want organic vegetables. Brilliant, Dad. Tree's Tree Nursery. You take the hard work out of gardening. Right. And give it to me! Right again!

"I couldn't find the phone charger, but I was able to locate all the mouses the kids lost over the years."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

Origins Of Evolution

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

I think it's time he left home.'

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"If it slows down, just ask my father about the murder he always swears he did not commit."

"I need a more interactive you."

"He was much more effective in the field."

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

Look,that is not your Daddy

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

All You Can Tweet Restaurant.

"Just wait until my autobiographical one-woman show."

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'