Married Life Observer Pillows

"I need a more interactive you."

'The recipe said 'stand for five minutes'.'

'He drinks the wine ,then lays it down.'

"Carmen, my husband's been coming home in the middle of the night. I don't know what to do...."

TV on demand

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"It's his emotional support animal."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"He was much more effective in the field."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

Sooner or later, 'These trying times' become 'The good ol' days'.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

Maternity Hospital

"And the tech guy said not to worry if I lost my phone. There's an app for that..."

Mice 25¢

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

"Your sister got another promotion."

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

"Someone just pinched my mobile phone"

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

Old Yarns

"Has your mother called yet on the international situation?"

Junior's Towel

"If I could choose any age I'd be forty-two again. You were hot when I was forty-two."

'I'm his best friend, until his wife walks in.'

I have a video phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

"Honey, I'm home."

"Think you could teach your kid to throw straight?"

"Better safe than sorry, son."