Modern Family Instructor Gifts

"It's a nice day. GO outside and play on your tablets."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Congratulations. The ultrasound shows the baby is healthy, a boy and already knows more about technology than you."

"How is it gendered?"

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"It seemed like a long timeout."

"I guess families do come in all shapes and sizes."

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

'It's no use! His computer tablet has replaced his blanky!'

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

Waiting Room

Hey, anyone? I'd like some attention. Waaaaa!! You okay, baby? Now I see how this works.

"Don't take it personally, Dad, but if I need advice, I'll ask my phone...it's a lot smarter than you are!"

'Until I met your Mom, yes.'

"We're having a problem naming him. All the domain names we like are already taken!"

"It's amazing how much he's like one of his dads."

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"This article says that the number of elderly living with their children is rising..."

Step Mom's Diner: Under New Management.

"Yes, we're very fortunate to be blessed with one of each."

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

"No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting."

'Mom & her new husband' and 'Pop & his live-in girlfriend'.

"Her phone has parental controls, but I have to ask her how to use them."

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'In my day we called it 'parenting', not 'troubleshooting your kid'.'

'Yup! Lots to give, not much to lose!'

"I now pronounce you...significant others!"

"Now that we've got a new bull, is he the calve's stepfather?"

'No, the woman of the house is at work. May I help you?'

"Let's review cause and effect. Your divorce 10 years ago can't affect your son's zero today."

"Son, I think it's about time we had the TED Talk."

"At least now when mom and dad fight it's quieter."