Modern Family Gifts

"I haven't decided whether or not I want children, but I know I don't want any husbands!"

IVF treatment

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'In vitro fertilization and sperm banks. I remember the old days when you couldn't outsource having kids.'

'I don't think she wears a bra anymore!'

'Food? Do you think I'm the kind of mother that cooks?'

'No, the woman of the house is at work. May I help you?'

'He wanted a girl just like the girl who married his dad, instead, he got me!'

'Mom, Kevin just asked me to live with him!'

"I'd like you to meet my half-brother, Joe."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"We realize that kids start using technology at a younger age these days, so our strollers come with Bluetooth, Wi-Fi and GPS."

Amazon Drones Delivering Babies

"I won it for being the most noncompetitive in preschool."

"Oh, Frank, look! He's sending his first tweet!"

Believe it or not: Once upon a time Dads couldn't even boil water.

"He just said his first word!"

A child sitting on a swing - while playing with a hand-held electronic device or phone

"I couldn't find the phone charger, but I was able to locate all the mouses the kids lost over the years."

'Those are my triplets. Com, Net and Org Barnes.'

"Never mind Benjamin – he just lawyers-up to get attention."

Kid is 'Born to Text'.

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"I guess families do come in all shapes and sizes."

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"With the baby-cam, there is no privacy."

"I brought frankincense." "I brought gold." "I brought diapers!" "A wise woman!"

You're right-this is way better than a standing desk.

"Now, Mrs. Stevens, go to work, relax, and leave the social engineering to us."