Modern Family Instructor Pillows

"It's a nice day. GO outside and play on your tablets."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Congratulations. The ultrasound shows the baby is healthy, a boy and already knows more about technology than you."

"How is it gendered?"

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"It seemed like a long timeout."

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"I guess families do come in all shapes and sizes."

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"Don't take it personally, Dad, but if I need advice, I'll ask my phone...it's a lot smarter than you are!"

"It's amazing how much he's like one of his dads."

'Until I met your Mom, yes.'

"We're having a problem naming him. All the domain names we like are already taken!"

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"This article says that the number of elderly living with their children is rising..."

"Yes, we're very fortunate to be blessed with one of each."

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

"No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting."

"Her phone has parental controls, but I have to ask her how to use them."

'Mom & her new husband' and 'Pop & his live-in girlfriend'.

'In my day we called it 'parenting', not 'troubleshooting your kid'.'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'No, the woman of the house is at work. May I help you?'

'Yup! Lots to give, not much to lose!'

'Mom, Kevin just asked me to live with him!'

"Let's review cause and effect. Your divorce 10 years ago can't affect your son's zero today."

"Now that we've got a new bull, is he the calve's stepfather?"

"I now pronounce you...significant others!"

This pregnancy thing just isn't working out, Steve - I can't use my laptop!

"Son, I think it's about time we had the TED Talk."