Parenting Instructor Gifts

Parenting academy: "Right, that covers nutritional theory in the socio-economic context of class structure in a eurocentric and essentially homophobic culture...now if one of you would like to take a tit out we'll do the practical..."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

"Look Mommy, hat!"

"That's not how I sat on you."

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'He's the one who needs obedience training!'

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"Now that I can talk, here's my speaking fee."

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

"That is one absorbent nappy."

Janey then realized that babysitting isn't easy...

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

"Ah...here they are!"

'Do you have any books on controlling little monsters?'

"Don't listen to her! She's a cuckoo: what would she know about parenting?!"

"Another reckless baby driver! I'd arrest the whole lot of them if they weren't so damn cute."

"Mom, can you come get me?"

'Your parents are way too overprotective.'

"Instead of taking a bath couldn't I just run through a carwash?"

Mom's Diner/Mom's Desserts

Parenting Business Deals

"If you find authority intolerable, remember, you're in good company."

'This is Tyler; he's mommy's precious little feral-angel.'

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."