Modern-day Thoreau Gifts

'Thoreau had his Walden Pond, C.J. has his water cooler.'

"He's got no clue how easy he has it compared to his ancestors."

'It's not easy being ahead of your time.'

The Googler

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Screen Time vs Book Time

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

No Immediate Danger

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"I liked the fee-fi-fo-fum part, but I found the rest of his speech racist and repellent."

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

"I've always wanted an empire of Distance Learning Campuses."

'Meditation centre' 'Coffee, Tea, Enlightment, Refreshments'

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

'I'd go back if I were you.'

'Don't worry about the thumb sucking...she'll be texting with it soon enough.'

"If you're trying to find yourself, Mr. Ludlow, just ping your phone."

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

"Is there a way to disable Narcissus' self-view?"

What every man thinks to himself when he puts on a pink shirt.

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

"I used to know my wife's fondest dreams and desires, but now I leave that to Google."

"The internet without cat pictures? No way! Make a realistic wish like peace on earth, justice for all, everlasting life, sane politicians..."

"If the headline screams catastrophe, but nobody cares to read it, does it still make a sound?"

"Remember, it's Boy, Girl, LGBT, Boy, Girl, LG . . ."

Like.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"