Modern-day King Gifts

'I'm on the throne!'

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

TV-Man

"Surprise!"

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

"'Conquer Spain'? 'Balance the budget'? 'Reform the justice system'? -- You call this a honey-do list?"

"Where the hell's my Slinky?"

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

The Unhappy King

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'Not gruel, stupid! -- I said find the GRAIL!'

'Make him laugh, make him cry.'

"It's ok -- It's the Enlightenment Channel."

"I'm going on a retreat."

The Royal Wii

Counting my Bonus...

"And the meaning of life is.... oh rats, the battery died."

'I cut myself slashing the budget!'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

Everybody forgot his jubilee.

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

'Between you and me Wizard, is it true that you intellectuals have pointed heads?'

(Mother Goose: playboy's Mirthful Master of the Macabre serves Up Some Strange Twists On a Clutch of Children's Classics.) "Is this supposed to be somebody's idea of a joke?"

A war would have been bad enough, but losing Alsace-Lorraine in a poker game?

'You might want to try another photographer, Sire. This one tends to cut the heads off.'

'You can scratch your back when the war is over!'

'No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting.'

"Enemies, yes, but doesn't your moat also keep out love?"

"The peasants have lost all respect for the moat."

"If I had it all to do over again, I would have liked to be the King of Swing."

"We lost another battle? Why does this keep happening?"

'I know it seems like a war, but it's actually an all-out struggle for peace!'

'I wish you wouldn't bring work home with you!'

"The kids - Prince Englebert and Princess Felicia - would like us to move into the olde monarchs' home."