Modern Crime Satire Fan Gifts

"I offer the option of contactless."

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

Tree Mobsters. 'I didn't hear anything. Did you hear anything?' 'I didn't hear anything.'

'I got 397 dead birds and the mayor breathing down my neck. So, is this our perp or just another copycat?'

'Not much cop are you!'

"Right! It's a heart op, neurosurgery and counselling. And I'll have the Wiz"

Petty Aero Larceny - I Stealing a Dinner.

"Embezzlement is now called virtual bank robbery."

'Give Me All The Money In My Account'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Do you want to order a contract killing, Don Carlos, or a pay-as-you-go killing?"

'I'm hoping to get into Crime Sprees.'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"It was passed from my grandfather to my father, from my father to me, and now from me to you. Twenty bucks."

"You mean to say, Mr. 'Smiles,' that someone else left the scene wearing size 22 shoes?"

Man sees his double in ID parade. Policeman says: 'Please indicate which of these men stole your identity.'

'Okay, I'll give you the money, but this could negatively affect your credit rating.'

Mafia machine gun case.

The few moments delay was the downfall of 'The Cat'.

The Codfather.

"Do you recognise the giraffe who hit you?"

New York City, the Bronx, and another successful Vice Squad raid comes to wraps (real vices used for arresting criminals).

Good Mop, Bad Mop.

'First off, your average Paolozzi has far fewer holes than your Moore.'

Therapy among thieves

'Don't you have anything more recent? I've already read what you just confessed on your blog.'

'He's working undercover to find out 'what up' with youth gangs.'

Money Launderette

'And what do you do?'