Mock Trial Talent Gifts

A good future in politics

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Bailiff."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

'Don't bite it. I have to check Daddy next.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'New Barbeque.'

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

"Repeat after me..."

'I believe in trial and error, I believe my client being brought to trial is an error.'

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

'It wasn't easy, but I got you a jury of your peers — six hairdressers, five interior decorators, and a professor of 18th Century poetry.'

"We pay the living dead wage."

'Where was I on the night of the 7th of August? I was home washing my hair.'

"Guilty times infinity."

Murder trials at the criminal court shown as a theatrical show

"Your Honor, it was a lot for any jury to be expected to believe...but we fell for it."

Innocent bystanders are real tough to convict: 'You saw it happen, why didn't you do anything?'

A Dummy Corporation.

"You mock, sir—you mock a sport storied and beloved. I, sir, pity you."

I got you a 20th anniversary present. An iPhone charger? An actual, real gift? What's the catch? House of Java Cybercafe. No catch. For the last 20 years, you've been the best whipping boy I've ever had. You're a complete tool of the technology industry. You've been a real pleasure to mock. In fact, the last 20 years of making fun of your pathetic life has made this two rewarding decades. Plug back in, whipping boy! I will outlast you, smelly old bat!

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

'Your first trial?'

The Prozac Story: 'It's a feel-good movie.'

'No, I'm not on trial here. I'm on the jury!'

'We had to bring a judge out of retirement, but we got you a speedy trial.'

'It's all very well trainees learning in a classroom setting...'

"It doesn't matter if anyone heard you fall, I am sure we can get you a large cash settlement."

"Calm down! This wood doll is the best attorney ourcompany ever had."

"You recused yourself from this case. I recuse myself from jury duty."

"That was just a simulation. Nothing can prepare you for the kind of monkey bars you'll find in an actual war zone."

'Do you want a lawyer appointed to you?' - 'No thanks your honour, I'd rather throw myself on the ignorance of the court.'