Mock Interview Enthusiast Gifts

'It's a list of things I don't like to do.'

"Last question...where do you see yourself in 30 minutes? Because I'm calling you a cab."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'How many words per minute do you type?'

'He will observe your text now...'

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'Have you got a resume?'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"How would you rate your toleration for risk?"

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

I think you should go after my job!

Infection Control Center. Now Hiring. I should have said "I'm not afraid of hard work" rather than "I don't mind getting my hands dirty."