Mock Expert Gifts

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'Don't bite it. I have to check Daddy next.'

"You question my methodology? Perhaps you should question your questionology."

'Here is my proposal for making our department more productive. The proposal contains my best cognitive distortions.'

"We pay the living dead wage."

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

'Bonny, I've forgotten...What time is that 9 o'clock meeting tomorrow?...'

'Curses! My eyes were closed.'

Innocent bystanders are real tough to convict: 'You saw it happen, why didn't you do anything?'

A Dummy Corporation.

Wal Max - Complaints Department

Let the profit-making begin!

"You mock, sir—you mock a sport storied and beloved. I, sir, pity you."

If you rotate the corporate ladder by 90 degrees, you end up with monkey bars.

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

I got you a 20th anniversary present. An iPhone charger? An actual, real gift? What's the catch? House of Java Cybercafe. No catch. For the last 20 years, you've been the best whipping boy I've ever had. You're a complete tool of the technology industry. You've been a real pleasure to mock. In fact, the last 20 years of making fun of your pathetic life has made this two rewarding decades. Plug back in, whipping boy! I will outlast you, smelly old bat!

'For the remainder of this health and safety discussion, I shall refrain from leaning back too far on my chair.'

"So, that's an extra - large pizza, burger, fries, a large milkshake and an echocardiogram..."

A good future in politics

"It doesn't matter if anyone heard you fall, I am sure we can get you a large cash settlement."

'Church Commission Land. No entry. Don't be tempted - someone IS watching!'

'What gets me is how the actors make themselves so small!'

'We're here to nudge you into moving south.'

"So, how long have you two been in Ghana studying the apes?"

Expert and Ex-Pert

"I could see finding him a cool guy if I wasn't married to him."

"Last question...where do you see yourself in 30 minutes? Because I'm calling you a cab."

'Our campaign will generate a lot of hot air. Did you remember to file an environmental impact statement?'

'It's a list of things I don't like to do.'

The Blame-O-Meter

"I believe I can speak for both of us."

The Wargfields embark on their Christmas night tradition of camping out at the mall to be the first in line to return gifts.'

Portrait pulling a face at artist.