Mobile Jest Appreciator Pillows

"Were you using your mobile?" "How could I possibly? I've had my hands full eating and smoking!"

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

What's an Imax cave?

'Oh don't listen to him! Norman wasn't a motivational guru... he was just that cat in those silly 'hang in there' posters.'

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"...so it appears we were talking to his butt that entire time."

"Will follow you on social media for food."

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

Laughing Zone Ahead

Florist. A vase for everything and everything in its vase.

'Excuse me, I ordered Matzo Ball soup.'

FAQs.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

"Have you had a stressful experience lately, such as an accident?"

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"I hope I'm not embarrassing you, Elaine... I guess I've always been a fool for love."

"...you mean this is the end of the 3 bandidoes?"

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

Split the last one?

"...and the dung was this big!.... No...elephant, actually."

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"You're probably wondering why I called you. It's because I accidentally butt dialed you."

Medicine bottle - If symptoms persist, die!

OMG.

"...Looks like nothing but snow on TV tonight..."

'...Oh yeah? Well I've never heard of the 'denture fairy'.'

'This isn't Armageddon... it's a bar brawl on a Saturday night. Let Pestilence read the map.'

"Sorry, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."

'No hostile takeover bids beyond this point.'

'I'd probably do a lot better if the teachers weren't set to 'auto-correct.''