Mixed Marriage Gifts

"I know you don't like Democrats, Father, but Willis is a me-too Democrat."

"Just leave the hat on and maybe my parents won't notice."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

His Her Cakes

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

"Get a tomb!"

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

Sulk Shows

'Choose, Fenster

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'