Mischievous Mishearers Gifts

"To hell with you, too."

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

A thief steals a heart

"Okay, you play dead. 1-2-3 Go!"

Monkey Business

"I've just discovered this brilliant new ingredients."

"You've been a very bad man and we like that. So now, we're going to send you to London."

'Can't you just bat them between your paws like everyone else?'

Misery lit...

How to avoid a heart attack.

Law Books

Buster got religion in the pound and now works with other bad dogs.

Pigeon Master

"Thanks for bringing the party mix, but. . ."

'Must we invite the Hendersons? Their children never stop swarming ...'

Leaving pet shop, boy says to puppy: 'You're my bitch now.'

HisssssHerssss....

'Dad! What time is it when the big hand is on eight and the little hand is all over the floor?'

'I see you have been mopping the floor while I was out. Are you doing this to be nice or disposing of evidence?' 'Why can't it be both?'

"If you want soil moved around, I say why wait for erosion."

Man: 'Oh for HEAVEN'S sake Zachary! WHAT have I told you about RUNNING THROUGH the house?!

'A large hole has appeared in the wall of the nudist camp - Police are looking into it.'

'Do me a favor, Ed. Don't tell the other guys.'

"We should play with this for a while before the women become cautious and sensible."

Boy teasing a guard

'Maybe she has allergies.'

"Airplane Mode doesn't work. I threw your phone out the window and it didn't fly."

"Mum said it's OK for us to watch. So it can't be much good."

She was to regret having asked Colin to be more of an animal in bed.

Rabbit ears

A pickpocket reaches through a statue in an art gallery.

'The devil made me do it...'

Catching an angel...

'We are sentencing you to eight consecutive life sentences, which gives you one more chance to enter society as a decent feline.'

Joe's Tire Shop.