Mirthful Jokester Gifts

"We can't afford to be late. If you can't find your cuff links, use the nipple clamps mother gave you for xmas."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."

Fleas Navidad.

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"Merry Christmas"

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

Men dancing

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Priest with the Pet Devil.

Pelobong

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Leaving cards.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

Elf of the Month

"Maybe this year..."

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and with the sun if I've found death, please excuse my morning breath.

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

C is for Cracker

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'