Mirror Tactician Gifts

"To reinforce my diet, the mirror goes on the fridge."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

Arms reach through a mirror to straighten a man's bow tie.

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

"But mom, all you said was 'get all your stuff up off the floor!' "

The quarantine self cut.

"That's in case Mum skypes me."

"I have the new list of approved tweets."

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

"Call it wishful thinking, but I don't think this peace will last. . . ."

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

"We're fighting them in zone A, they're our allies in zone B, and we don't know what to do in zone C."

'Nice decorating. I like the clothes and toys everywhere...and the half eaten sandwich really ties it all together!'

'Man, I can't believe we didn't think of this before.'

"For goodness sakes, Harold. Stop preening!"

Kamakasi pilot instructor

"Of course I know what the rearview mirror is for...to check at any moment if my hair still looks ok."

'I wonder who they'll bring on as manager for the second half.'

"I haven't been in any academic journals but I do get my Tweets re-Tweeted a lot."

"What do you do?""I'm a layer. The law. I do law. I practice law. I'm an attorney. Something legal."

"However, now, gentlemen, we see the frown has become a smile."

"Are you talking to amoeba?"

Napoleon with a wine bottle for a shadow

"But, what if we're attacked in the press?"

"It's blank because we haven't found a new war yet."

Out Of My Way, Stupid!

"To-do list. Item one. Clear up the world's problems masterful tweet."

'He played every minute of three football matches on TV today.'

Man looking in mirror at the barber's.