Mirror Dodger Gifts

'I wouldn't stand on it. It makes mum cry every time she does it.'

"It's been moved that we adjourn for an afternoon nap. Is there a second?"

"And now. . . which shoes?"

"Bill's a little upset. The boss just chewed him out."

"Summarise all that's been said. I wasn't listening."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

"I can hardly wait...TWO WHOLE weeks without having to deal with mindless e-mails, incessant interruptions, boring meetings...."

A breakthrough in the morning meeting

"We missed the meeting, but there might be a couple of the little muffins left."

'Miss Fenwick - I don't want to see anyone today!'

Nun Binning the Devil

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Vanity artist

"Any yet he's always on my case."

'officially, I'm on leave, but I'm really just ducking the media.'

"How do I turn off my camera so no one stares?"

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

"If only you could do this in real life..."

"You're so vein."

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

The Demon's Disguise

"A minute on the lips"

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

"You should have been here at eight!"

"Myra's our creative director. She fabricates emergency situations for me when client meetings go on too long."

'Ms Ferguson, weasel me out of the 315 meeting.'

"I still think we should go higher than Factor 0.5."

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

'I'm sorry, he's in a meeting. would you like his voice mail?'