Millennial Humorists Pillows

'Don't email me. I'll email you.'

Middle-Age Superheroes

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

Man runs into Bigfoot taking a selfie.

"He's an indoor cat."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'The little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home and shopped online...'

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

'To prepare for Y2K, I backed up all discs and documents. . . stockpiled water and non-perishables. . . converted my investments to cash and set up a wood burning stove.'

"Dad, it's not a homing pigeon, just a canary on an elastic band."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

"It came... it grew... it made Nana say bad words... 'Ow! You rotten #@!!×!' The invasion of the thistle"

"Who knew a lifeless box could spread such fear? It came from the mailbox."

"I got a chocolate bar and gum!" "What the #!@* is 'CBD oil'?!"

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

Annuals, Perennials, Centennials, Millennials

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

"Give me an F-Hashtag."

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

"No, I do not live in my parents basement...it's a walk out."

'All you do is stare at the TV. When I was a kid we have to be content with staring at the radio.'

"Avocado...t-toast..."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

"Relax kid, you're going to be for awhile."

"Money or your beard!"

Said Cohen? Who's askin? Someone who is about to make your dreams come true. Why? Are you gonna let me yell at you until you bleed? Caustic. Quick-witted just as Facebook led me to believe. What the heck are you talking about?!?! Nothing. Ready to experience pure joy? I'm ready to attack!!

'Davey can't come out! He's got the weasles!'

"Do you really think this will work?"

Same Sexless Marriage

"If only these kids had grown up with the same role models we had, then maybe they wouldn't look so damn ridiculous!"

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

"Well, go get a job and move out if your allowance doesn't have the purchasing power it did when you were fourteen."