Midwives Gifts

'What? Didn't your parents ever tell you who delivers babies???'

New parents refusing to change their baby's nappy

"I should have started this three months ago....contractions play havoc with jigsaw puzzles!!"

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

Midwife presents a baby with its own volume control: 'Finally, evolution has done its thing.'

Maternity Ward: No Returns/No Exchanges

For Express Delivery: Extra charges apply.

'It's a chicken.'

'As you can see, it's a boy and he seems to be doing just fine.'

"...We said a natural birth, not a naturist birth!"

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

"We don't do 'returns'!"

"This usually lasts 6 to 8 weeks."

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

"Congratulations! Your baby has been born with everything it needs. He has all of his eyes, ears, toes, arms, fingers...and a smartphone!"

"This could be quite boring. No club jumper, no theme song and no pie nights!"

"Wow! According to this if I dig straight down I'll find a delivery suite."

"As I thought...the carefree extravagant days are over. There's no marble foyer."

"Gold, Frankincense and myrrh! Go back out there and tell them, if they didn't bring a midwife, they can bugger off!"

"Oh, oh!!"

"I have a night delivery Darling, so I'll be home late: It's a baby owl..."

'Congratulations guys! It's a Buoy!'

"Can someone please explain to me what that nine months in solitary was all about?"

"One last question, where's its mute button?"

Childbirth and Covid 19

"Fore!"

"Everything looks fine. Now, let's check the baby's FICO score."

"How is it you only remember the good times?"

'It's a boy...or a girl!'

"Congratulations! It's centuplets!"

Labour ward scene: 'Do you not think it's a little soon to be leaving him with his gradparents?'

Maternity Ward: Push & Keep Pushing

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'