Midlife-funster Pillows

"How much longer do I have before I have to change to a healthy lifestyle?"

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

The best way to prevent sagging is to keep eating until the wrinkles fall out.

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

Male Pattern Baldness

"You want to grow a ponytail? OK...as long as it's not from hair growing out of your ears."

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

"Do you have any books on releasing the tiger within?"

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

'I've added a few minutes to that hour glass figure I had in school.'

How Gary got his groove back.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

'I need my lifestyle validated.'

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

'It's really nothing - Looks like baby boomer age spots.'

"Tell me this is just your mid-life crisis."

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

Person playing the cymbals.

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

Whale Pattern Balding

'No pep, shaky, noisy, overheating. Right. Anything wrong with the car?'

Same Sexless Marriage

'I suppose they call it 'Middle age' because that is where you age shows...'

"In layman's terms, I just rewound your biological clock."

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

birthday meets reality

'I'm not that concerned about my prostate ... I'm still trying to survive my wife's menopause.'