Metrics Magicians Gifts

"And so if the pillage numbers don't improve this quarter, I have just one word for you: waterskis."

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

'First you forget logarithms. Then you forget how to do long division. Then the multiplication table begins to go...'

"And now, a little theorem for all you lovers out there."

'I know we're inchworms, but let's get into the spirit of this! Change is good!'

'The path to becoming an astronaut is rougher than I thought.'

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

'Brilliant, Prof.Brainstorm. Any fool can come up with a new product, you've come up with a new tax break.'

"My accountant is brilliant - he has just had a loophole names after him!"

"Well, I'm studying mathematics and I'm sure that's tougher than math."

'What's most depressing is the realization that everything we believe will be disproved in a few years.'

"Well, you say it's wrong, but it could be correct in an alternative universe."

"Maths is easy because it's so logical. 2 + 2 obviously equals 22."

Geeky looking guy looks at incomprehensible mathematical problem: 'And this equation proves beyond doubt that I have wasted my life.'

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

"When you're nailing the numbers, they don't ask questions."

'My mother says I have a vivid imagination.'

The Forever Stamp

Professor of Fuzzy Logic.

Sister to brother: 'It's kind of like alphabet soup, only for numbers crunchers.'

Man rotates profit chart so it shows growth not loss.

"I solve mathematical problems, program electronic music, analyze environmental issues...but being a renaissance man isn't what it used to be."

Lazy plumber.

'Gifted class, indeed. One is gifted in science, but he can't read - one is gifted in reading, but won't even try math...'

'Let's see if we could put a spin on it and get the public interested.'

'And that's with massaging the numbers!'

'Everyone's using your theorem, Pythagoras. I told you you should have patented it.'

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

Professor Swizzlestix explains his point....

Product Formula - "He's brilliant. But his mind wanders."

'What it all means is, ker-booom!'