Menu Mishap Enthusiast Pillows

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

Kitchen Kapers

'We don't know which gate flight 311 to Denver is boarding. These are the menus.'

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'How is the water prepared?'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

"Do you want ketchup on your steak too?"

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

'Tonight's menu is bound in Moroccan leather, with a touch of Flemish calligraphy on hand made paper.'

'. . . the Winter of Discontent Soup, Arab Spring Roll, Summer Madness Salad and The Season of Mellow Mists Fruit Medley.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'One businessman's lunch and one lackey's lunch.'

"The scallops were delicious, but the fork was dismal!"

"No, no, no, my wife said she'll have a quiche!"

'You ate the styrofoam, and left the meringue.'

"I never use the oven timer. The smoke alarms are louder."

"Mom, Dad, can we stop reading the reviews, I'm hungry!"

'Are you sure you are not allergic to seafood.'

'Please stand by. We have temporary loss of your roast.'

'A fly in your soup, eh? -- Call me if it gets any worse.'

"Allow me to point out today's special. Our profit margin's immense on that."

"If my writing reflected my reading, I'd probably just be writing menus."

'Should my souffle blow the oven door off?'

'Our chicken patties are beef and pork.'

At The Skinny Customer Restaurant

"I'm sorry, the sesame peanut dressing is not agreeing with him."

"And you say this was the serving suggestion?"