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"I'm going to be late, dear. It's total craziness here."

'You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of conspiracy?'

"Because when you put the Rorschachs in your pants I can't use them again."

"As you can see from your genetic printout you only think you're depressed. You are in fact a happy jolly person."

'So tell me, Doctor, how long have you been suffering from these hallucinations?'

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

'Only way I could get him to come was to tell him it was massage therapy.'

'You must continue your therapy because it provides stability and security. . . at least it does for me!'

"Thank god for Tuesday morning therapy."

"You must learn to let go."

'If he continues treatment for the next month or so I should have enough material for my book of case histories.' 'If I continue treatment for another month or so, I should have enough material for my expose of psychoanalysis.'

'Now while you're cranking the Jack in the Box Tommy, I want you to tell me your thoughts.'

"I've always wanted to be in a committed relationship."

"The mood Disorders Clinic is three floors up, and then two floors down."

"Oh, now I get it. So, you don't have a problem. You're not crazy; everyone else is. Is that how you see it?"

Existentialist Amnesia Clinic

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

"I was happier when I was crazier."

Together we'll conquer your inferiorty complex...

'Not suffering from OCD, touch wood, touch wood..'

"That's ridiculous. I do not have a superiority complex."

'I have cradle to grave insecurity.'

'Oh, I know why, doctor. I just don't happen to remember why right now, there's a big difference.'

'While we're on the subject of your dual personality...it would be nice if one of you would pay me once in a while.'

'I have a theory about your masochism.', 'Go ahead, Doc -- Let me have it.'

"I can clearly see from the colour of your rings that your have some anger issues...!"

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

'I guess you hear this kind of thing all the time?'

'I've been having a lot of negative thoughts.'

"All-rightie then....since we're on the subject, let's explore your issues of aggression."

If dogs were psychiatrists.

"I find it very significant that you would rather play house."

"I guess I'll never understand women."

"I feel we've had a good session today."

"Honestly, I'm interested. I have no problems of my own."