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"I'm going to be late, dear. It's total craziness here."

'You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of conspiracy?'

"Because when you put the Rorschachs in your pants I can't use them again."

'So tell me, Doctor, how long have you been suffering from these hallucinations?'

"As you can see from your genetic printout you only think you're depressed. You are in fact a happy jolly person."

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

'Only way I could get him to come was to tell him it was massage therapy.'

Leeches In Therapy.

'You must continue your therapy because it provides stability and security. . . at least it does for me!'

"Thank god for Tuesday morning therapy."

"You must learn to let go."

'If he continues treatment for the next month or so I should have enough material for my book of case histories.' 'If I continue treatment for another month or so, I should have enough material for my expose of psychoanalysis.'

"The mood Disorders Clinic is three floors up, and then two floors down."

"Oh, now I get it. So, you don't have a problem. You're not crazy; everyone else is. Is that how you see it?"

"I've always wanted to be in a committed relationship."

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Existentialist Amnesia Clinic

'Now while you're cranking the Jack in the Box Tommy, I want you to tell me your thoughts.'

'Not suffering from OCD, touch wood, touch wood..'

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

"I can clearly see from the colour of your rings that your have some anger issues...!"

'I have cradle to grave insecurity.'

Together we'll conquer your inferiorty complex...

'I've been having a lot of negative thoughts.'

'I have a theory about your masochism.', 'Go ahead, Doc -- Let me have it.'

'While we're on the subject of your dual personality...it would be nice if one of you would pay me once in a while.'

"That's ridiculous. I do not have a superiority complex."

'Oh, I know why, doctor. I just don't happen to remember why right now, there's a big difference.'

'I guess you hear this kind of thing all the time?'

When emotional support animals resort to tough love.

"I was happier when I was crazier."

"All-rightie then....since we're on the subject, let's explore your issues of aggression."

If dogs were psychiatrists.

"They meet here twice a week - they call themselves 'Neurotics anonymous'!"

Psychiatry: Self-Service