Memorial Planner Gifts

"Mother always wanted her ashes scattered at the grand canyon. It's quite breezy here isn't it?"

'Forget what?'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

A cat is hiding in a block of cheese to lure a mouse out of its hole.

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Where Are They Now?'

"Death coach..."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'I'm the groom's broker and I'll be seating you before the ceremony begins. Technical analysts will be sitting on the left, and fundamental analysts will be on the right.'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

"He intends to die with dignity, he desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"I haven't had smouldering, passionate sex for a while....could you put it in the diary for next week!"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"Yes, a surprise engagement. Even my husband-to-be here didn't know..."

Car insurance, breakdown cover, mobile insurance, home insurance, camera insurance... - 'Life insurance, health insurance, professional indemnity, and tax insurance.' - 'Let the bad times roll... heh, heh!'

'Come now - surely we can draw up this pre-nuptial agreement amicably.'

'One day, after they unfreeze my DNA, this will all be mine again.'

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

'They make a deal out of promoting someone around here.'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

SOARING BILL

"I see many military victories, a heroic death and a grateful nation that will erect in your honor a statue that will be dirtied by pigeons every day, once and again."

'You'd look good in that.'

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"That reminds me, we must sort out your will."

'Excluding our little granddaughter who called me 'orrible old smellypops!'

'And finally, I would like to be buried with an elephant bone...Just to confuse future archaeologists.'

"Could you give me another minute? I'm not sure who's paying yet."

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

Attorney. He left money in his will to build a casino. Why? He wanted to leave the world a bettor place.

"Why do I always have to get the cheese?"

"Depending on how the next election plays out, we either get married at the botanical gardens or flee the country."