Meeting Skeptic Gifts

Boss: 'Speak up Smythe, I know you've got an opinion, I told you what it was in my email this morning!'

The first meeting.

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

'Item 56, we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings.'

Open House of Horrors

"I'm going to tell them our number one way to be stress-free is taking a day off to go fishing."

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

'You will meet a sexy, honest fortune teller who will take all your money!'

'What is the meaning of poorly attended staff meetings.'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

'But how could me speaking at the Secret New Products Seminar break our Confidentiality Agreement?'

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

"Bill and I hate the same books."

"For cryin' out loud, are you signing up or not?"

"You weren't playing hard to get! You were scared of commitment!"

"Here's a great software update. It lets me delete all the features that I didn't want from the last update."

"This isn't a reality show. . . it's the news."

Akron, oh, you're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! I'm thinking of not signing up for health insurance this year. Good idea. In my day, there was no such thing as health insurance. If you got sick, you paid for it with either money or chickens. That's if you were a lily-livered coward who just had to see a doctor. When great-great-grandmother Cohen had her sixth heart attack, she just applied a poultice made of chestnut leaves and flour and kept on plowing.

Expert examining painting: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid it's a fake."

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

"Spaghetti made from squash? Sounds like fake news."

"You snored through the whole motivational seminar."

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

'I hate singles bars. It's like window shopping...you know, looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.'

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places.

I'm away from my desk. Any message you leave won't be of any importance to me.

"I didn't live through a global pandemic just so I could group hug again!"

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

'Today's seminar will focus on individual accountability in the workplace. I did not deliver the handouts to the printer on time, soe we won't be able to refer to them. it's not my fault.'

'Myself, I'm not a morning person, so I'm definitely not interested in one of those up-at-the-crack-of-dawn types, you know what I mean?'

'He's a very good doctor, and I trust him, but I must confess that I always double check his diagnosis on Google.'