Meeting Mirth-seeker Gifts

Parent-teacher-stranger conference

Santa does a keg stand.

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

Off Duty.

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

You need a sense of humor to work here, but you're overqualified.

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'The doctor will be right with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

"Oh, sorry—I think I just butt-summoned you."

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'Joke emporium' 'Next prankster'

Golf cart in the hospital.

Santa Claus Heralding the New Year

"I'm looking for the kind of relationship that won't interfere with government regulations."

'So it's agreed- the first person to lower their hand is fired.'

Innie Outie

'I think out quarterly report should call it a 'negative upward trend'.'

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

The velcro ties were in place. The lobstermen would have no idea what hit them.'

"I told you, no "funny business," Anderson."

SEE SANTA, ''Happy Holidays'? -- Don't tell me YOU'RE getting politically correct, now?'

"We're looking for a ceremony less drastic than marriage?"

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'

'Well, that didn't go too badly, but I did have a brief rotisserie flashback.'

Patient to pharmacist: 'So, is it contagious?'

'And that's the boss. Nice enough guy, but wood from the neck up, if you know what I mean!'

"There, but for the grace of Cod..."

"It'll have to be your place. I Airbnb'd myself out of my apartment tonight."

Tom would go to almost any length to liven up a dull meeting.

'I like the private room but not the public gown.'

'If it's not bothering you, I wouldn't bother having it removed.'