Medieval Maven Gifts

"Like that?"

"Well, so much for the 'No Trespassing' signs."

King Henry V

Henry II

'I can't believe I fought a three-year war with her father just to get her!'

'You can read, right? -- I want you to check this thing for loopholes.'

St. Edward the Confessor

Medieval boating on castle moat.

"Mummy was right: - I should've married the dragon...!"

"Your Majesty, according to our study the shoe was lost for want of a nail, the horse was lost for want of a shoe, and the rider was lost for want of a horse, but the kingdom was lost because of overregulation."

Don't bother Daddy -- he's just upset because Lady Godiva joined the anti-Crusade movement.'

Ecclesiastical Eye Test

'We only stay together for the sake of the Holy Roman Empire.'

'Say cheese, sire!'

'I suppose you think that's funny.'

'Good work men, let's just hope we never have to use it!'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

"Pomp, greed, conquest, intrigue—it's been a fun year, hasn't it?"

'How many experience points do I have? — I'm not that kind of girl!'

"I hate Mondays."

"Does this mean I'm out of the loop?"

Life in the Dark Ages...

The Venerable Bede

"I shouldn't have sent them that poop emoji."

The New Norman

'I'm putting you on a diet: No more fat knights, maidens only...'

'We're holding an enquiry into the feud you started - it's just an enquiry.'

'Before Movable Type.'

"That's right, 'Alfred the Grate' - I get on people's nerves."

King Edward III

Vlad the Employer

"Of course his armor was shining. He was gay."

'That was your grandfather -- his catapult went off while he was cleaning it.'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

In his Last Moments, A Soldier Seeks Forgiveness for his Sins (History of the Crusades).