Mechanical Maven Gifts

"That metallic grinding means her throwout bearings are shot. She's backfiring through her carburetor. The tick indicates transmission trouble, and the smoke means she's on fire."

'According to our diagnostic computer, your car wants to have $800 spent on it.'

'If I were you, I'd leave the keys in the ignition and hope someone steals it.'

'OBSOLETE: Any really expensive Heating & Air Conditioning system you bought last year.'

Prepare to meet thy mechanic.

Top Watch-Winder

"You don't want to mess about with that denture fixative rubbish Ethel. You want to get yourself some gasket seal from the motor spares shop."

"Look mate, for the last time. Your unique cover-all policy doesn't cover your lawnmower!"

'Gee, don't give the right part YET - this is only my first trip.'

Muscles

"Forget sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm going for buns of steel!"

"Like that?"

Superbug Research Go For It / Got it

"You'll have to forgive Roland. He still uses 'stomach' and 'abdominals' interchangeably."

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

'I suppose you think that's funny.'

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

Hooray for Bollywood!

'She's one of our nurses hiding from the patient load.'

Sadie, I just heard something disturbing, and I think you're the only one who can tell me whether it's true. Youtube is telling me we've lived 300 years of phantom time. Pope Gregory XIII's math was off when he created our calendar, and this is actually the year 1717. What's more, the "Middle Ages" is just a fiction the pope created to explain his rounding error. You were there, Sadie ... Did King Arthur really exist? I'll tell you all about that nice boy, as soon as I demonstrate how we dealt w

Look on the bright side...they'll probably name a disease after you.

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

'Well, we're off for our xmas break - I'm sure you can manage without us for a couple of weeks.'

'Sorry, you're just not built right for weightlifting.'

"Call me Ishmael."

'I'm putting you on a diet: No more fat knights, maidens only...'

Vaccine hurdles

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

Weight lifter using his foot to take a photograph.

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

'We're trying to use a team approach to medicine, but we're having trouble fitting everyone!'

'Where does it hurt?'

'My crystal ball is in the shop. Pick a fortune cookie.'

ANd the Oscar for the best special side effects goes to ASTRAZENECA!