Medical Maverick Gifts

"Hurry, stop him!" (Dog running off with bone from man's x-ray).

'Now what seems to be the problem?'

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

Medical lawsuits.

'Sorry, but we are shorthanded today...'

"We don't let computers mess up your medical records. We do it by hand."

"Yee-ouch! That's gotta hurt."

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

Surgery With Lawyer Waiting Outside.

"It was a complicated surgery, but hey, that's what YouTube videos are for, right?"

'You need a heart valve replacement. We have staff going down to a nearby farm to look for a donor.'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'That was quick!'

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

'He's our new Geriatric specialist!'

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

Outpatient clinic is outside.

'You've got to buy a centrifuge for these hematocrits, Doctor!...

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

'The FDA hasn't approved these pills yet, but the CIA swears by them!'

"At what point was I moved from intensive care to expensive care?"

"Shows you how much I know."

"I'll be blunt. You don't have much time. In three days I'm turning this over to a collection agency."

"Oh, and I brought a copy of my medical history."

'He got sprayed with fertilizer.'

'No wait....This one is the oral thermometer.'

As a doctor I can only say that although the jury is out regarding the benefits of cannabis smoking, I can say with confidence that this particular sample would make one bitchin' spliff.

GP pensions to rise.

Fred questions whether Dr. McWit's Quick Draw Stress Tests are AMA approved.

'Eureka! I discovered a drug to cure drug side effects!'

'The gene therapy we used is our intellectual property, so we had you copyrighted.'

'In the doctor's defense, there have been no serious post operative complications.'