Medical Madness Enthusiast Gifts

'Patients! They whine about MRSA, then they moan about our ward disinfecting regime. There really is no pleasing them.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

We saw this episode of Grey's Anatony, I recognize the symptoms.

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

Roentgen tries to figure out what he's discovered.

"Satisfaction, stat!"

'I thought my appointment was for a TB screening.'

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

"274 meters of bandage - It looks as though you're going to make the Guiness Book of Records, Mr Henderson!"

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

Man sees sign on hospital: 'Heart Surgeons Wanted' 'Immediate Openings'

'That's strange, all the monitors are going crazy again!'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

'Last year's 'Bring your pet to work day' turned out very well.'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

"And there we have it, gentlemen! The first full face transplant swap of twins."

"If it's an expensive surgery, we now implant a GPS tracking device for the hospital's collections department."

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

'Yes doctor, it did hurt when you did that!'

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

"I'm afraid we've had to move him to expensive care."

'You can have general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.'

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"