Medical Jargon Enthusiast Gifts

"You've suffered a contusion to the soft tissue below the fourth thoracic vertebra exacerbating the proximal sternum. Translation: 'you have a bruised rib.'"

'So the epithelial cells recovered by the fiberoptic branschoscopy suggests....'

"Stiff neck, blurred vision, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, all due to extended time in front of a computer. I think I just discovered the ICD-10 code for my job!"

"For legal reasons, the names of doctors, nurses, diseases, treatments, and medicines have changed."

"Do you have any fresh medical mumbo jumbo?"

'To avoid lawsuits, we articulate in medicalese that most mortals could not render intelligible.'

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

"I know you're new to the job, Ms. Jones, but the correct term is 'stat'... not 'move your ass'!"

"I have some good news and bad news, wonderful news, terrifying news, boring news, stunning news, technically incomprehensible news, news you should sit down to hear, and news you definitely won't take laying down. Which first?"

"You have very high negatives."

"I'm having trouble educating my patient. He keeps calling his nuclear exam results 'unclear' exam results."

'Sure, it's gonna be expensive. I had to call in a team of experts just to see how to pronounce your disease!'

'We'll come right out with it - what you have cannot be pronounced.'

'Yep - That boil's definitely coming to a head.'

"Diverticulitis, hamartoma, schistosome, labyrinthitis...it sounds like the flu to me!"

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

"I propose the next person who says 'it is what it is,' we beat the living hell out of him."

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

"The biopsy on your mole came back negative, which is positive, which is good."

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"Come to my office. I need to cascade with you offline."

"I hear you've got quite a reputation with the girls around the office."

"Our cloud computing services include IaaS, PaaS, SaaS, NaaS, CaaS...and BaaS!"

'You use Romance Languages when wooing your beloved and Hate Languages during the prenup process.'

"Look at this - we're trying to merge with some of our acquisitions, and we're trying to acquire some of our mergers."